THE C FILES
**************************************************************************
UNITED STATES SCIENTIFIC OBSERVATORY, ROSS ISLAND, ANTARCTICA
4:07 PM
SIMPSON: Well, what have you got, Jenkins?
JENKINS: Sir, we have found something quite extraordinary.
SIMPSON: I'm all ears.
JENKINS: Well, when we were making regular excavations along the shore,
we came accross what appears to be a huge cache.
SIMPSON: Cache?
JENKINS: Yes, and it gets better. The cache was filled with chickens.
Frozen chickens to be exact.
SIMPSON: Frozen chickens? How many?
JENKINS: That's the best part. So far we have unearthed about 1500 and
Rogers is still counting.
SIMPSON: Who on earth would store frozen chickens in Antarctica?
JENKINS: Beats me, as well. But we have to take into account that they could
be quite old. Dr. Renker estimates their age to 70-200 years.
They were all gutted and wrapped in aluminum foil.
SIMPSON: Aluminum foil? Did it have any special characteristics.
JENKINS: No sir, just regular plain aluminum foil. But we did find
something interesting in the cache. A luggage tag that must have
accidentally fallen off during the stacking operation.
SIMPSON: Well, does it say anything?
JENKINS: As a matter of fact, it does. It says:
"Jara Cimrman
Liptakov cp. 9
Austria-Hungary"
SIMPSON: Hmmm...Jara Cimrman...never heard of him...
*************************************************************************
BUREAU OF SPECIAL INVESTIGATIONS, WASHINGTON, DC
3:46 PM
SKULLY: Who is this Cimrman guy anyway?
MOULDER: I don't know yet, but I have the feeling that we are on to
something really big this time.
SKULLY: So what do we know so far?
MOULDER: Well, born in Vienna, spent most of his life in northern Bohemia...
SKULLY: Bohemia? Isn't it somewhere in Idaho?
MOULDER: No, it's in what is today known as the Czech Republic. But anyway,
having spent most of his active life in Bohemia, he mysteriously
disappeared in 1914 and hasn't been heard of since...
SKULLY: Did you check the missing person claims filed by local authorities?
MOULDER: That's the thing. There are no missing person forms to be found
anywhere. I double checked all the available archives and there is
no trace of any Jara Cimrman in them at all. I am beginning to have
a suspicion that this was an attempted cover-up by the Austro-
Hungarian government.
SKULLY: But why would they bother?
MOULDER: Apparently, he was trying to subvert the monarchy, for one thing.
Plus he was a prominent person - the inventor of the light bulb,
a proponent of driving in the middle of the road, as opposed to
driving on the left or right, a critically acclaimed playwright,
co-designer of the Panama Canal, skilled aviator, discoverer of the
snowman and above all a devoted pacifist. And I don't think that
with the World War looming, Vienna wanted to have such a dangerous
man running around in their back yard. Besides, he was known to be a
revolutionary architect and his 17-story barn in Liptakov was the
tallest barn in the world at the time. Can you imagine how envious
Vienna must have been about this? The tallest barn in the world in
some boondock Czech province!
SKULLY (ironically): That sure would make me envious as hell.
MOULDER: But that's just the tip of the iceberg. To make the long story short,
he did things that no one would ever dream of. He went all sorts of
places and knew things that even we have difficulties understanding.
He was simply one of a kind. Nothing like we've ever seen before.
SKULLY: Moulder, are you trying to tell me he was some kind of an alien?
MOULDER: For all I know, he doesn't seem to be of this world.
Get this, for instance: according to some sources, on May 14, 1907
he presided over the opening ceremonies at his brand new giant soda
water factory in the Ukraine, but on that very same day, according
to other sources he was directing his fairy-tale horror "Thirteen
mothers-in-law" in a puppet theater in Paraguay. But that's not all,
yet other sources claim that on May 14, 1907, he was in fact in
Antarctica, just about to conquer the South Pole and to establish
the first polar chicken farm there. Now knowing this, you tell me
how an ordinary man could be at three totally different places at
the same time. The most natural explanation that I could find is
that he was able to co-exist in several independent quantum states
and that by itself is worth investigating.
SKULLY: But the sources may be wrong, right?
MOULDER: Right, but then ponder this: his works, and I mean those we know
of, were so numerous that it would take an army of well-trained
geniuses about 200 years to produce. He touched upon pretty much
every aspect of human existence and achieved such a degree of
versatility that would make da Vinci look like a highly
specialized intellectually impotent bum. I don't know how he did it,
but there is something odd about him and I'm gonna find out what.
SKULLY: But can't all these little odd things be just explained by some
natural phenomena?
MOULDER: Like what? Some super clever monkey found a stone hammer 200,000
years ago and subsequently evolved into Cimrman? Come on, Skully.
SKULLY: Ok, so what do you plan to do? How are we supposed to find out about
a man who lived a century ago in some remote part of the universe.
MOULDER (whispers): I have a tip, Skully. A sure thing. It came to my
attention that somewhere in Florida there is some kind of an android
that was built by Cimrman and that robot is obviously still
functioning. So what I suggest is that we go down to Florida and
take a good look at that thing. Inside out.
SKULLY: Moulder, are you saying that I should perform surgery on the android?
MOULDER: Don't worry, Skully. It's not gonna be surgery. It's just a robot.
We'll...uhhhm...dismantle it a bit and see what's inside. Perhaps
we'll get some clues that way. Maybe there will be an address or
something.
SKULLY: Yeah, a self-addressed stamped envelope in its stomach...
MOULDER: No, I mean sometimes hardware parts have the address of their
manufacturer imprinted on them or something like that. Maybe
we'll be able to discover Liptakov, Cimrman's last refuge, a place
that many cimrmanologists dream of.
SKULLY: But what if all these cimrmanologists are just a bunch of clowns
pulling each other's legs?
MOULDER: There is only one way to find out.
SKULLY: Ok Moulder, what can I do with you. Off to Florida!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
SOMEWHERE NEAR MANASOTA KEY, FLORIDA
10:06 AM
(Moulder reads a little sign on the house: "Nepovolanym vstup zakazan")
(* Do not enter *)
MOULDER: Hmmmm... (then knocks at the door)
HEDVICEK (opens the door): Co jsem do prdele rikal. Nepovolanym vstup zakazan.
Rozumite cesky, blboune? Tak honem, klikejte na tu spodni kliku a
mazejte odsud nez se rozcilim... (* Get lost! *)
MOULDER: Well, excuse me, sir, but...
HEDVICEK: Oh, you are Americans? I am so sorry. Really. I thought you were
some of those obnoxious Czechs who keep intruding on my privacy
here. Please, come on in.
MOULDER: Thanks, my name is Moulder and this is my partner Skully.
SKULLY (pulls out a gun and shoots Hedvicek with a hardware tranquilizer):
Well, that was pretty easy.
MOULDER: Skully, help me move it onto that large table over there.
SKULLY: Boy, this thing sure is heavy.
MOULDER: Yeah, I wish they used microchips more at the turn of the century.
SKULLY (after the body is placed on the table): Ok, what do we do next?
MOULDER: Well, I guess we open it up.
SKULLY (deftly wields her scalpel): Hmmmm...hmmmmm...yuck....hmmm...hmmmm
MOULDER (watches over her shoulder): So what do you say?
SKULLY: Ummm, just the usual. Some old wires, a mildly disfunctional central
processing unit, acoustic amplifier, bunch of electrodes... but wait,
what is THIS for?
MOULDER: This?
SKULLY: Yeah, that. (slowly reads) "Tez-ko-to-naz-ni sa-mo-na-si-rac s au-to-
ma-tic-kym spla-cho-va-nim". What do you make of that, Moulder?
MOULDER: I don't know. It must be some sort of an energy source.
SKULLY: Energy source?
MOULDER: Well, do you see any battery or a dynamo?
SKULLY: Hmmm, not really.
MOULDER: See, that thing must be running on something, right?
Unless this Cimrman guy also invented a perpetual motion machine.
SKULLY: I guess you are right.
MOULDER: Now, try to dig deeper in that hole over there. Where that seam is.
SKULLY: Give me the flashlight. I can't see very well.
MOULDER (hands her the flashlight and watches her search): Anything?
SKULLY: Well, right here, see, by that seam, I can recognize the words
"Krej-cov-stvi Ma-tej-ka", whatever that means. Do you see them?
MOULDER: Yeah, I see them, but look to the left, there is more.
SKULLY: That's right, there is some fine print here: "Ne-no-sit v des-ti".
Hmmm, I wonder what that means. Maybe that's the address.
MOULDER: Try also here, Skully, on the other side.
SKULLY: Oh yeah, look at this "Tailor-made in Liptakov,
longitude 087r4e, latitude 734k3k"
MOULDER: Bingo!
(as I am sure most of you realize, the coordinates of Liptakov mustn't be
divulged to the lay community, so I have encoded them using Cimrman's
Hexagonal Cubic System to protect our Master's favorite village. H.)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE MAIN TRAIN STATION, PRAGUE, THE CZECH REPUBLIC
1:31 PM
MOULDER: Hi, I am a special agent, Rabbit Moulder, and I would like
two tickets to Tanvald.
CLERK: Coze? (* What? *)
MOULDER: Uhhhm, two tickets to Tanvald, please.
CLERK: No jo Tanvald. Ale co Tanvald? (* Say again? *)
MOULDER (shows her two fingers): Two tickets.
CLERK: Pepooo, pocem, sou tady zase naky cizinci. (* Joe, come here *)
ANOTHER CLERK: With what I can help you?
MOULDER: I would like two tickets to Tanvald, northern Bohemia, please.
ANOTHER CLERK: Yes, a moment.
MOULDER (to Skully): Skully, I'll need some cash.
SKULLY (fumbling in her pocket): That's pretty strange. I put that money
right here in my pocket. Moulder, something is wrong here.
MOULDER: Are you sure you put it there?
SKULLY: Yeah, I remember when we entered the subway, it was still here.
Someone must have stolen it down there.
ANOTHER CLERK: It is 462 crowns.
MOULDER: Well, do you take credit cards?
ANOTHER CLERK: Yes, but they must be...uhhmm..published by Czech National
Sporitelna.
MOULDER: What about Citibank?
ANOTHER CLERK: No, we don't receive Citibank.
MAN IN THE LINE: Hele, nezdrzujte jo, ja nemam cas tady tvrdnout do vecera.
Slecno, dejte mi dvakrat Pysely, jo. (* Hey, let's move on *)
WOMAN BEHIND HIM: No jo, to sou dneska pomery. Takovi naky privandrovalci.
Ani vyzvejknout cesky se to poradne neumi. (* Yeah, move it *)
MOULDER (to Skully): Looks like we'll have to hitchhike.
SKULLY: Did you bring "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" with you?
MOULDER: Yes.
SKULLY: Ok, let's go then.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
DARK FOREST NEAR TANVALD, THE CZECH REPUBLIC
10:45 PM
SKULLY: Moulder, are you sure you know what you are doing?
MOULDER: We are almost there, Skully,
my satellite locator shows the right coordinates.
SKULLY: Now, what exactly are we looking for?
MOULDER: For evidence, of course. For any tangible evidence that would
support the existence of Liptakov and/or Cimrman.
SKULLY: And how are we supposed to know that we found it? (picks up a stick)
Is this piece of wood good enough evidence for you?
MOULDER: It's got to have the right bar code on it.
SKULLY: Barcode? They didn't even have any scanners back then.
MOULDER: Yes, bar code. Cimrman was a visionary and most of the things he did
were meant for future generations. He knew that one day
archaeologists will be immensely interested in his life and work
and to make their life easier he marked all his belongings as well
as his products with a bar code.
SKULLY: But how on earth did he do it?
MOULDER: He just drew them on with a black crayon.
SKULLY: And are you telling me you brought a scanner with you?
MOULDER: Of couuuu....aaaaaaaa (at this moment the ground caves in
and Moulder falls into what looks like an old mine shaft)
SKULLY: Moulder, are you ok?
MOULDER (distantly): Yeah, I think I'm fine.
SKULLY: What happened?
MOULDER: I don't know. I fell through the ground into some dark deep
cellar of sorts. It's pretty damp down here, I can tell you that.
SKULLY: Should I get down there?
MOULDER: No, you stay where you are.
SKULLY: Do you see anything?
MOULDER: Yes, there are tons of...uhhmmm...little Greek vases down here.
It must be some old police matter that we stumbled upon. I can see
that one of these vases says "... do police".
SKULLY: Do you think it's some sort of an illegal industrial waste.
MOULDER: Could be. Let me wipe some of this grime off (tries to clean
one of those vessels). Oh, golly. I can't believe it. We did it.
This is it. This is it!
SKULLY: Moulder, what did you find?
MOULDER: I found the bar code. It's right here, just under these funny words:
"Hrom do police. Cimrmanova domaci palenka."
SKULLY: What is "Cimrmanova"?
MOULDER: I don't know, but it's got something to do with our guy. See,
Czechs have this really complicated grammar that even they don't
fully understand and sometimes words get pretty seriously mutilated.
And that includes proper names. I'm sure it's him.
SKULLY: Moulder, be careful. It could be explosives.
MOULDER: Oh boy. I think I have just discovered a black hole in the fragile
fabric of what is commonly known as a spacetime continuum.
SKULLY: Moulder?....
(few minutes pass by and only distant sounds of liquid being poured
surface from deep beneath). Moulder, talk to me!
MOULDER (after a while): Venezuela...remember Venezuela?
SKULLY: What?
MOULDER: And I see like five different broomsticks and they all go
"wink, wink" at me, those little bastards.
SKULLY: Moulder! Are you out of your mind?
MOULDER: Yeah, I guess, we could say that my body is right now going through
a nice little out-of-mind experience.
SKULLY: Moulder, come back immediately.
MOULDER: Negative.
SKULLY: Moulder, get the hell out of there.
MOULDER (more to himself): I ain't coming no fucking anywhere or wherever...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
DUFFING MEDICAL RESEARCH FACILITY, VIRGINIA
8:22 AM
SKULLY: How long has he been in a coma?
DOCTOR: It's been 5 days now. But I think he is coming to now.
MOULDER: aahhhh....where am I...
SKULLY: You are in the hospital.
MOULDER: How did I get here?
SKULLY: We pulled you out of that hole with a tractor and immediately
transferred you to the States.
MOULDER: Did you secure the stopper that I had put in my pocket.
MAN WHO EARNS HIS LIVING BY SMOKING CIGARETTES (speaks from a chair in
the corner where he has silently sat for the past ten minutes):
We took care of the stopper, agent Moulder.
MOULDER: But that was my only piece of evidence.
MAN WHO EARNS HIS LIVING BY SMOKING CIGARETTES: I said, we took care of it.
MOULDER: But...how am I supposed to work on the C files...
MAN WHO EARNS HIS LIVING BY SMOKING CIGARETTES: You won't. This case is too
sensitive. Top army officials expressed an interest in some of
Cimrman's discoveries and we can't just let our agents dig around
and give the Russians hints about what we are after. Believe me, if
you knew what we know about Cimrman, you'd be scared to death.
But Liptakov, agent Moulder, Liptakov has never existed. Understood?
MOULDER: But sir,...
MAN WHO EARNS HIS LIVING BY SMOKING CIGARETTES: Understood?!!
MOULDER: Understood.
MAN WHO EARNS HIS LIVING BY SMOKING CIGARETTES: Good day, agent Moulder.
(puts out his cigarette and leaves)
SKULLY: Moulder, you should just be glad that you are alive at all.
MOULDER: Skully, I'll tell you something. This guy knows nothing about
Cimrman. Nothing, nada, zip, zero.
SKULLY: What makes you think so.
MOULDER: See, that guy is obviously trying to produce gold by blowing
cigarette smoke into whichever material he can find.
SKULLY: So?
MOULDER: Cimrman knew already in 1908 that this is impossible.
He proved it in his famous wash-basin experiments in Liptakov.
SKULLY: Moulder, I think you are hallucinating.
MOULDER: Skully, Liptakov is out there. And you know it.
**********************************************************************
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
Honza Rehacek
-------------------------------------------------------------
In many of the more relaxed civilizations on the Outer Eastern Rim of
the Galaxy, the Hitchhiker's Guide has already supplanted the great
Encyclopedia Galactica as the standard repository of all knowledge and
wisdom, for though it has many omissions and contains much that is
apocryphal, or at least wildly inaccurate, it scores over the older, more
pedestrian work in two important aspects.
First, it is slightly cheaper; and second, it has the words DON'T PANIC
inscribed in large friendly letters on its cover.
---Douglas Adams: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy---
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Close