CIMRMAN and spamming

> From: "Libicek, Boris" 
> Subject: Re: NO MORE SPAM!
> Date: Mon, 22 Feb 1999 10:22:42 +0200
>
> Dear K,C,Smith,
>
> I am very glad for you in a way how you are succeding with your noble
> efforts. I just wish to remind you that this group is not exclusively  
> populated by morons / or was not used to be, until recently/.

Right on target, Mr. Deputy Commissar!

Our dear Smith not only uses spamming itself to fight this plague of
the modern day Internet, but also fails to mention the crucial place 
of the inventor of the Internet, Jara da Cimrman, in the history of
spamming and that is inexcusable.

As is well known, Jara Cimrman experimented with several peripheral
devices after his invention of the Internet around 1907, with the clear
intention of enhancing the range of disseminable objects. While his
first networks were based only on electrical circuits and as such were
capable of transmitting only binary files, ASCII text files and later
on also properly formatted photographs, as soon as 1909 Master triples
(some sources say "cripples") the bandwidth by essentially duplicating
the current electrical wiring with a tube mail (i.e. a system of both
horizontal and vertical plastic tubes in which a capsule is transported
by means of pressurized air).

Therefore, besides candle-based scanners, hydraulic printers and
external cranks to reboot the system, the most frequently used
peripheral component at the turn of the century was Cimrman's digital
meat grinder, first presented at the 23rd International Congress of
Meat Science and Technology in Dumbville, Missouri. Needless to say
that the transmission of various meat products became so cheap that
many butchers had to resort to killing less traditional animals (such
as squirrels, groundhogs, cats and even bats) to satisfy the growing
needs of the Internet community. Indeed, the most delicious of all
meat products, the SPAM itself, became the hottest stock market
commodity of the early 1910s.

Historically the first meat transmission was carried out in October 1909,
when Jara Cimrman put some 4 pounds of fine pork into his external
meat grinder and sent his friend, Liptakov's butcher Vojtech Masny,
a short message with the file "bucek.jmg" appended to it. Despite the
fact that the pork was pronounced "green on arrival" because of the
incompatibility of color palettes in Cimrman's and Masny's grinders,
the first step had been taken and spamming soon started its victorious
march throughout the meanders of the virtual world.

For the technically inclined we might add that the carrier units were
mostly driven by the so called "blower unit", whose only purpose was to
propel the capsules and move them around in the network. It is quite
remarkable that Cimrman was able to generate enough pressure gradient
for the whole Internet with only two "blower units", each consisting
of approx. 50 retired bagpipes players. One located near Edinburgh,
Scotland and the other one in downtown Strakonice.

The colossal output of these two power units enabled Internet users
to send not only small packages of meat, but also other objects. No
wonder that illegal spamming became a problem. The individual packets
were very often intermingled during the transmission and many users
began to complain. For instance, some people were sending their dirty
loundry over the Internet and, as you can imagine, when a packet of
soiled underpanties met with a packet of ground beef, a grievance
resulted on both sides. The ground beef acquired very uncharacteristic
smells, while the reddened undergarments made rather misleading
impressions about the intensity of its owner's menstrual bleeding.

By 1912 the illegal spamming was forbidden and Jara Cimrman set out to
straighten the Internet out and to crack down on the offenders with his
full mighty authority. Thus, in the honor of great Jara Cimrman, and
in accordance with the JDC-L criminal code, the paragraph on external
spamming, Mr. K.C. Smith should be penalized for his inappropriate
posting by visiting at least 25 porn-sites of his own choice.

> And  for you getting tired from porn. You, boy, must not take it so
> seriously. Selfabusive  overreaction to the nondirect sex stimuli
> should ease with time.
>

Well, it should. But at the same time we have to keep in mind that
while the overreaction eases with age, the amount of overreaction that
is necessary to tire one out drops too, so the bottom line is that he'll
get tired anyway :-)

with best regards,

Honza Rehacek

the spokesman of the shadow cabinet of UJC

> From: Paja 
> Subject: Re: Strengthen your marriage or relationship
> Date: Sat, 13 Mar 1999 14:58:45 GMT
>
> ... So please send Your wife (or wives, if
> You tested Your techniques on more subjects) to Liptakov via Czech
> Post Co. We will test her and send her back with orders. The address
> is as follows:

Paja,

I don't think our dear friend K. C. Smith has any wives, since he
seems to be neither heterosexual nor homosexual. As far as I can
judge by his posts, he is decidedly autosexual.

Autosexuality, as is well-known, was perfected (if not invented)
by Jara Cimrman in the last decade of the previous century. As a
matter of fact, our Master was so happy about his harmonious sexual
relationship with himself that he even invented a little pill to
enhance his pleasures and to increase his performance. This pill,
and I believe it was called "Viagara", was very successfully
marketed in the Buffalo area under the slogan

    "Niagara Falls - Viagara Raises".

During the promotional campaign, however, Cimrman admitted
that other substances may have beneficial effect on hardening
of certain body parts too - notably cement, a popular Viagara
substitute in Olomouc.

later, H.

> From: garryg@SUPER.NET.UK
> Subject: We require your help please
> Date: Thu, 25 Mar 1999 19:36:07 GMT

> My Friend and I are trying to trace the following information:
>
> 1. The Lyrics to a song called "Somewhere in Time"
> (from a musical not sure.)
> contact vanda@netscape.net
> http://www.vandaking.com
>
> 2. The Sheet Music to a song called OH HAPPY DAYS a gospel song from sister act film I think?
> contact garryg@super.net.uk
> http://user.super.net.uk/~garryg
>
> Thanks  Garry

Dear fellow cimrmanologists,

you have indeed come to the right place for the answers to your
questions. Both musical pieces come from the inspired pen of the
great Bohemian composer Jara da Cimrman.

The song "Somewhere in Time" can be found in his original musical
"Star Trek - the Previous Generation" that was played I believe three
times in the Hungarian National Theatre in 1908. This masterpiece of
musical theatre describes troubles of seven bold men in a balloon,
who ventured into the vast plains of Siberia, where no one had ever
gone before. Judging by the lyrics of the song, their balloon exploded
as they were trying to reach warp 5 near the river Podkamennaya
Tunguzka (see act 3). I saw this musical last year, but I don't
remember the lyrics very well. It begins with

"Somewhere in time
 we won't have time
 to make a smooth and proper landing
 so we'll have to make an emergency landing
 ..."

As you see, Cimrman's hallmark - the "absolute rhyme" - is generously
used throughout the lyrics. I am sure, you'll find the rest of it in
the public library in Liptakov, second floor, the division of
musical scores.

The directions to Liptakov: fly to Prague, take bus 119 to the stop
Dejvicka and from here line A and C of the subway to the main train
station; go by train to Tanvald (north) and ask people there;
everyone in Tanvald knows where is Liptakov.

The chances are that you'll be able to find the sheet music to
"Oh happy days" there too.

with best regards,

Honza Rehacek

> From: "Libicek, Boris" 
> Subject: Re: We require your help please
> Date: Fri, 26 Mar 1999 16:03:06 +0200
>

Dear colleagues and (female) colleagues,

first I have to apologize for giving you misleading information
yesterday. After making one more trip to the wine cellar of our
Division, where we keep all the precious documents, it turned out
that the name of Cimrman's musical is not "Star Trek - the Previous
Generation", but rather "Red Star - the Next Degeneration". It is
true, however, that the musical depicts the fate of bold balloonists,
who ventured into Siberia, "from where no one has ever returned
before".

And, BTW, guess what! Today I got an e-mail from Garry Greenhough,
apologizing for sending the message to the wrong newsgroup. So some
of the spammers are human beings after all, some even with a bit of
decency in them. He says that as a result of his yesterday's posting
he's having lots of "typing practice" today. Poor lad.

> as an additional option is possible to subject the rock from the mentioned
> locality /all major natural history houses have at least one/ to the inverse
> time exposure which should backwards reveal the above mentioned score
>

You must be referring to Cimrman's own innovative way of printing
musical scores by rolling stones over sheets of musical writing
paper. As the stones were rolled along staves, their sharp edges
made definite imprints on the paper and were later identified and
marked by Cimrman and served as the basis for his musical line. The
tunes thus obtained were obviously a little bit rougher than the
contemporary standards and no wonder that Cimrman's style of creating
music became soon known as the "rock and roll".

(oops, the rest is in Czech...)

> ( pane Rehacku, hrali oni ten musical tehdy zepredu dozadu anebo naopak ? -
> to by se melo badatelum osvetlit sice by si to snadno mohli splest
> se...Sojuz nerussimij... a neco takoveho by  ty nezne  tapajici duse mohlo
> zjizvit na dozivoti)
>

Zatim se zda, ze pri premiere dila v madarskem Narodnim divadle se
partitura cetla beznym stylem - tedy zleva doprava. Ovsem napriklad
pri uvedeni muzikalu v Leningradskem vselidovem divadle pracujicich
v breznu 1927 (uz bez Mistra samozrejme) se kazda radka osnovy hrala
zprava doleva a to na primy popud zvlastniho ideologickeho komisare
severovychodniho okrsku, Jurije Lavretjevice Prigovorkina. Neni divu,
ze dilo tak dostalo jeste avantgardnejsi rysy a pritomny Dmitrij
Sostakovic na Mistrovu adresu poznamenal "Vot etot Cimrman - nu on
ocen smelyj molodec".

zdravim,

Honza Rehacek